Without question, the “Harry Potter” franchise has become one of the biggest pop culture phenonoma of all time and a marketer’s dream.

Ron and HermioneAn interview of “Harry Potter” creator J.K. Rowland  (conducted by none other than Hermione Granger actress Emma Watson) due to appear this Thursday in the entertainment magazine, “Wonderland” reveals that Rowland now wishes she had married off Hermione to Harry instead of sidekick Ron Weasley. Britain’s Sunday Times published excerpts of the interview in a front-page story, “JK admits Hermione should have wed Harry.”

Potter fans are aghast. While the “Colbert Report’s” February 3 show panned that “…you didn’t need a Sorting Hat to figure that one out,” I wonder if a Potter-Granger union could have really worked.

Here are five reasons why I think not:

  • Honey, he who should not be named made me do it. How do you deal with a husband who has a perfectly valid excuse to periodically validate being MIA with no rational reason where he’s been, why he was gone and what he was doing?  Voldermort  (oops, I said it) comes and goes as he pleases into Harry’s mind. While admittedly a terrible affliction, could Harry not use this malady as an occasional excuse to avoid in-law events, PTA events or simply to enjoy a little “me time?”
  • Invisibility cloak. Sorry, but it would just be plain creepy to be married to a dude who could spy on you when and where he wants. The invisibility cloak would have to be in a lock box. And, Hermione would have the only key.
  • Children of the scar. Ron’s kids would be a less abnormal handful of Weasley mischievous pranksters. Harry’s children would undoubtedly come with “skills” – and Hermione’s genes would accentuate the issue – that could turn a tantrum into a catastrophe. Better bring a really good gift to this kid’s birthday party.
  • “Daily Prophet” paparazzi. Ron’s part of the Hogwarts “brat pack,” but he’s not the Chosen One. With Harry, Hermione would be hounded by the wizarding world’s primary newspaper with telescopic lens vacation photos, tales of supermarket mishaps and fashion faux pas. Remember, these photos literally have a life of their own. As Ron’s wife, she could sunbath in the backyard, and no one would know better.
  • Remember that? Anniversaries? Birthdays? Well, no, I put that memory in the Pensieve, that bucket of memory globs extracted from the prefrontal cortex, which Dumbledore introduced to Harry. Sorry honey, don’t remember that, must have put that in the Pensieve. Worse yet, want to settle an argument, well let’s go look that up in the Pensieve. Any way you cut it, not good.

Moreover, the books have been written and read, the movies made and seen. Ron married Hermione and Harry married Ron’s sister Ginny. What a mess that would be to undo and divvy back up!